Trying to keep up

It's unbelievable how working life really changed me. I hate it that I've got no time to savour my food, somehow every meal feels like a race. I'm starting to take coffee to stay focused at work. I've got no time to trim my nails. My body is having aches continuously. I've got nothing to look forward to.

It wasn't like this. I've been ambitious throughout life but these past weeks and months, all I've felt was defeat. Not a moment of being proud about how far I've made it through. I feel like I'm constantly below par, not performing as I should and could. 

Today, Sarah asked if I'm ok. I asked myself am I? I don't think I am and it feels like I'm living based on the expectations of other people at work and striving to achieve what also I don't know. I'm telling people I am ok, cause it's the answer I should be saying. Simple things at work, yet I seem to not be able to handle it. At least, that's what I think my manager thinks about me. Over 2 months in the job, the window of getting help and doing mistakes are getting very small. 

I'm trying to always look at the bright side of this situation.. Of the brighter future and how much these will add to my learning experience. But sad to say, I'm actually living on a day to day basis. 

Sometime I feel like I need to see a doctor or talk to a therapist. I have so many different, contradicting thoughts. I'm still sticking to the positive thoughts and going through each day but I know i constantly doubt myself and am easily demotivated by the events that happens around me. 

Everday i wake up to work, work till night, get back, eat and tune down for bed. Days when I'm late working, it's like a fixed routine and there's no time to sit and breathe. Today, I felt like letting the window down while i drive home just to take in air. Something I felt that I'm surpressed of. But obviously I didn't cause it's super dangerous. 

I wonder if people experience the same thing. Or I'm just not good enough. I constantly get asked to chill and breathe a little, but I can't. I even feel it's difficult to breathe. I kept breaking down when it gets a little tight at work. Seeing everyone else, I'm the only odd one breaking down. 

What's that goal I'm working towards to? I can't tell anymore. I really thank God for my mother, else this experience would have been way worse. She's always listening to me.. Trying to bend things to my way.