I had a rough week. Everyone starts off difficult and I went through the first stage of it. There's was too much work that I couldn't handle, I didnt have enough of the experience to have pulled through and I kept thinking that I'm letting everyone down including myself which made me even more tensed up. It came to moments that I cried uncontrolably. At first, I just felt the pressure building and I started to try to step up, do and do and do. Then tight deadlines poured in and it started to get harder and harder. Everyone was demanding and being new, I considered myself getting bullied too. I was working late nights and my body gave in, where I start getting sick. Then, came the emotional bam. Initially was still manageable, I only teared in the car and I would tell myself it's gonna be alright and I'm better than this and head back to work or home. It then escalated to me crying at work, I just went to the toilet..locked the door and tears just dropped. I kept trying to call myself down and crying was not solving anything, I get back to work.. An hour later, I'm back to crying. This whole thing made me question myself in many ways. It got me thinking if this was because of lack of passion, experience, love for the job or what. Or I this normal with any job. I felt so dumb and stupid. And with everything in my mind, I couldn't do things right and it swirls into more stress and being even more upset. I was so upset at work, I even texted my mom to tell her. Because i felt so drained. And that I wasn't learning anything because everything is due due due. And there was no time to sit down, absorb and take things as it goes. I now know what it means to hit the ground running & got time to die no time to sick! Yes, many would say that sick dont go, thing still can run. But calling in sick at such crucial moments felt like a post oppurtunity at learning and at being responsible. That's why I stuck through it..
This experience need to be written down,
so down the road I can look back and hopefully laugh at it. Now, I still feel like it's the worse thing happening to me..but it will get better, that's what everyone said. And with experience, which I need to gain by going through all this shit.. I'll be better I'm sure.
God never left me. The days when things seem so impossible and I got so drained, He never fail to amaze me. I got placed with a very helpful manager and in an office who yes, though some bully me.. Alot of us works as a team to make things happen. When I was losing it, my manager stepped and started to organize and help me out. She helped with so many things that if left to me, would have taken me way longer and I might have already quit the job. God bless me someone to guide and help me. I don't care what others say.
God also blessed me with colleagues and a cousin and very importantly, my mother who listened to me and advices me upon what I can do, should do and encouraged me that things will be okay. I made my mom so worried for me.. And she did all she can, to make my couple of hours awake at home the best it can be :) she's my hero. Advices and encoragement had also fixed me slightly emotionally. I must learn to control, must learn to handle. Stop saying don't know and start meaning I'll try. I kept panicking and it leads to nothing. It's something I can slowly change.
I'm learning to be better. I'm striving to be better.
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