There is so much to handle these couple of days. With the elections just passing by and the stand we Malaysians are making. I am so impressed to see such unity, such love that everyone has for the nation. In fact, I'm shocked yet proud at myself for being so attached to the nation. This is Malaysia.
This time, things are so real. I am educated, equipped with knowledge. It's time to stop looking away and deal with the problem. Thankfully a whole lot of people realize this too and gather the courage to act against it. I know the Internet has loads of information going about but I do think people should be smart in believing what's really true. What is justifiable than to simply believe everything out there.
With all the messiness of the political arena, there is also a pile of messiness in me. Thanks to me bringing in another source, Ian. I am open on this blog cause I know only you few read this totally self immersed posts about myself but it is during the nights where I am just too troubled and well at night, emo moments are just more prevalent.
It's okay to judge me if you want to for I judge myself too. And currently I'm at a very unethical, terrible person. Ms Ooi, it's not that you pointed it out but the thought has been always in my heart and brain.. I've been holding Aaron's hand yet engaging another relationship along with Ian.
I'm not going to talk about their situation for I should be taking responsibility for my own actions. I knew the circumstances yet I indulged in the company and attention given by this two guys. I read a post saying something that being in a relationship is to be with someone who can makes me happy. When I think about it, am I genuinely happy with any of them? And it feels like the answer is no or well, I have yet to discovered.
With the both of them, it has always been flirty and enjoying their company. I didn't think much and it provided instant but considerably temporary happiness. I could change my mind about them the next day if I happened to be upset at them. And this whole thing is not me. Losing zolfay was terrible and I thought, well just go make friends la. Little did i know, I made this two relationship where it's like courtship at the same time it's not.
I take love and relationship so seriously but now, I begin to doubt myself. A one on one meant so much to me before but now it can mean just hanging out. Holding hands is a big matter yet I let Aaron hold me with no strings attached. I don't seem to be such a good person after all, if i was I wouldn't be 'playing' with the both of them. But the thing is I have been considerably honest with both of them, yet they continue this weird relationship I have with them. What is this la?
I'm going about with this two boys who wants companionship with no strings attached. I know I only want meaningful relationships yet i let them have their way. It's true. I might end up with another zolfay relationship. They like what; I just give. HAIHS.
Sarah said that I need to dare myself to live alone. And that is something I've actually not really done. During the transition of the precious relationship status, Aaron was already in the picture. Then now comes Ian.
I don't know if this is me. What happens when one really develops feelings? I don't even know if I have honest love feelings for any one of them or I simply just indulge with their presence. Who have I become? This is not right, Jess. And now comes the part of letting go. I'm scared to let go. But I know that if it was meant to be, it will come back. But will it be weird if I go reverse gear on any of them ?
I really feel it's the way I approach and communicate with this guys that led them the impression that I'm cool. A change, Jess. For yourself. To protect yourself. Cause some time soon, if I don't get my act together, I'm in to get my heart broken.
No comments:
Post a Comment