A sky filled with stars..

...have been a really rare sight nowadays. Yes. The stars are there but it's just that's its too bright here to see them. But I clearly remember when I was younger, stars were easily seen. When we could see stars, it won't rain and if we didnt, it would. What happened? It seems like I took star gazing for granted and now when I want to see them so badly, I can't. Luckily at perhentian, I managed to look up to a beautiful decorated sky. A gift of God. 

This post is no emo post of relationship but a look back to one of the darkest moments of my life, witnessing a dear love one giving up hope on living. Why this topic came to thought was because Aaron is having a tough time dealing with his current life situation and I simply reflect to those similar days. 

I quietly hope and wish things wouldn't come to this extreme but it did. I care for his wellbeing yet fear of listening. It brings me back to those days when I had to face and let go of Amah. To be in Aaron's shoes is just too familiar. 

The most painful is being in that situation of seeing one giving up hope on living. Then we are stuck with hoping so hard they can stay positive and heal, yet face the reality of them being in such magnitude of pain we just want them to go back to The Lord. I know it sounds mean but under those situations where we know medically there's nothing that can be done and to witness our love one suffering.. We become dumb founded, we are frustrated and we are torn. Drained mentally, physical and emotionally. We just can't stop ourself about thinking about 'the other option'. 

I prayed that Aunty would get better but God has His ways. I'm already upset even not knowing Aunty. Maybe God brought me to help Aaron to go through this moment in his life. Maybe God wants me to learn and share from my past. I've been reflecting on my past experience and nothing makes it less painful. Not even time. For those of you who feels you know the true meaning of 'I miss you'... Have you really lost somebody you love? No more updates, no more photos, no more the voice of that person. One hundred percent of dismissal is the deepest I miss you ever. We only place our faith onto God and let Him reunite all of us in heaven. 

It's easy to share words of comfort.. And that's all I have for Aaron. I know he must be suffering together with his other family members. His mom probably a thousand million folds more. I know too well when a person chooses to give up. We don't know what to say, we even come to a point of not knowing what to wish anymore. 

This is the reason I now stay away from people who are sick. I just can't do it. My defense comes into place. I'm too scared to care for them for I really don't know if i can deal with loss again. Hospitals freak me out now. I go in with slight hope and a mountain of fear of losing someone. I really care and feel for alot of people, but I'm too afraid to be close. This comes off as being really selfish and very ungrateful and unhelpful of me. But it's just a situation I'm struggling with. 

Death happens anytime to anyone. I myself know that too well already. One can never prepare to face death, especially when it's the death of a love one.