Space.

I was afraid when it beginned and now afraid again of the end.
It has not been easy.

Today is the day where for the past three years was celebrated and now today, it is suddenly filled with a vacuum of emptiness. I read a post by a friend recently saying he rather have loved and lost than to not love at all.  I rather not have loved at all.

Time is not passing by easily. In fact, it feels like I'm counting the days that have gone by. Somedays it seems fine but on many other days, it isn't and there is nothing I can do about it.

There are many questions, many doubts, many what ifs which I can't get an answer to. I hate that I cannot do anything about it. When he just turns away and expects me to play cool by it, it doesn't make any sense. What have I done wrong for him to act in this way?

I'm behaving in ways I myself cannot explain. I really don't like how I am now. I can't even tell if I am really happy over something or I am just escaping from thinking about how broken this relationship is now. It feels even worse when I decided to walk out on this relationship. I know it is for the best but I can't help to feel like I have thrown the relationship away. Giving up is not me. I have fought for this tough love over the years and I hoped so hard it would always be us. Never you and me but us. It is killing me letting the relationship go.

I prefer taking responsibiltiy and being able to do something. That's the problem with this whole situation. I can't do anything. Doing anything won't change anything. Helpless. Then, there is the reality where I am not actually at fault and that I have done everything possible. This is confusing. Idiot conflict and it is driving me nuts. Maybe I can let you go but not the relationship that I have worked so hard for, if that statement even make any sense.

The support and love coming from the girlfriends is great. Thank you all for all the love and encouragement. I am trying hard to overcome this rough patch but I feel as if I am letting you all down for in actuality, I am broken.